You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
