He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I love having hate sex.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
Randomize
