Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Randomize
