I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
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