I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Randomize
