My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
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