false alarm. still invincible.
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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