Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
