drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
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