he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
