Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
