The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize