she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
