First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
