actually, I'm a sock model
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
This is classic penis vs brain.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
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