She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Randomize
