I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
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