Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
Randomize
