quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
