he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
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