Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
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