Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
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