mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
