it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
She needs sedatives and a leash
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
