I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
