I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
