I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
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