she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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