Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Randomize
