After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Randomize
