he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
