Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
