first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
