"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Someone signed my nipple.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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