Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
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