It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
I think your dad took our porno
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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