I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
i just sent this text using only my big toe
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Randomize
