Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
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