either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
