Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
