I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Randomize
