But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
