she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
And then he peed in my hair
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