I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
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