remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
