I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Randomize
