There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Randomize
