What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Randomize
