Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
My liver just had a heart attack.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
