My cat gives me a boner
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
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